Thursday, September 2, 2010

Flowers, some little boys, and the guilt of motherhood

A pretty glorious morning :) My little blog helpers are checking out the new laptop. Like the flowers?  One of the farmers at the market gave them to me on Sunday. Aren't they amazing? They fit perfect my old sap bucket/rusty pail and I love how they look. It is nice to have a pretty spot to blog - even if I have ten little fingers wanting to "help" me type.

Speaking of my little helpers...
The countdown begins... My little munchkin butts are heading to school next week. They have been in preschool, so this isn't like the first time they will be going to "school," but for some reason, because they are five and starting the full day thing, I am wigging just a smidge.  Mikey is headed to the full-day Autism program, and Johnny is going to the Young 5s at the elementary school. The Young 5 program is like  kindergarten, (in my day, I guess it would be the equivalent to what the school called Primary class. Since my boys were born in July, they are considered young, so Johnny was able to get a spot in this program). They were in the same building last year, but now the teachers tell me Johnny is ready to leave the special ed building and head into the land of elementary. Which is a good thing. Right?

 But now he is going to a "bigger" school, with lunch menus and lots of kids and bus stops... At his old building, I knew just about all the teachers, his class was small, I packed his little snack, the bus had like four kids on it and the bus driver would help get the boys to their seats, and Mikey was in the classroom next door... It felt homey and small.  Now they will be riding different buses, not to mention going to different buildings.  They never were in the same class - Mikey's autism is more pronounced than Johnny's - but I was comforted by the fact that they were right next to each other.  Next fall, most likely they will be in the same building. It will be a different building for both of them, but they will be together.
Mikey also has a new teacher this year. He has had the same lovely teacher for the last two years, and this year, his last at the special ed building, is with a new teacher. Luckily, I know her and she is a sweetie, but she is new to Mikey.  Mikey has a hard time with change, and I sometimes so do I. I get comfortable and like routine just like my Mikey.

And now here comes the other side of this whole back-to-school event. In some ways, while I am wigging out and feeling like my babies are getting too old, too fast, I am also soooo ready for them to be in school.  I am with these little guys pretty much every minute every day. So the idea of some alone time sounds so good - and makes me feel like a big fat mean shmuck for wanting that time. I am nervous about them being at school, excited and apprehensive, sad and at the same time guilty.

Being a mom is complicated.


Chris said... are not alone in the guilt and it doesn't ever go away. But just think, with a little time to yourself in the day, you'll be able to shower them with extra love in the evening!

Good Girls Studio said...

Being a mom is indeed terribly complicated! I was soo excited when my boy went back to school 2 weeks ago & now I miss him :( boohoo

*your flower pail is fantastic!


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